


Do you know what it's like

by S_Nebulosa



Series: Endless adjustments [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, At least until season 4 starts, Canon Compliant, Comfort, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Medication, because canon disregards medical complications and side effects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-08-02 05:46:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16299269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_Nebulosa/pseuds/S_Nebulosa
Summary: Lena's cyanide poising does not come without consequence. A body can only heal so much and hers has been pushed too far.After all the chaos and stress with Reign and the worldkillers, James and Lena have decided to take a little trip away from National City and relax a little.





	1. Sun City

**Author's Note:**

> I've tried to make this story as medically correct as I could manage, but it's really hard to find accurate information on acute cyanide poisoning (as stated in the fic too) and I really only found one case study using so much jargon even I couldn't make much of it. So I took some creative liberties.  
> Furthermore, I actually don't really know anything about chronic pain or how to deal with or how to live when you've got energy issues so I try to make it as realistic as possible but I'm no expert so if something is off please tell me so I can correct it. Same goes for racial issues because I myself am very white, living in a very white country in an even whiter town so I actually don't really know anything about it either.  
> And anything else that feels off, any triggers I forgot to mention, anything you feel like should be changed, just contact me. I'm open to any and all suggestions as long as you're at least nice about it.
> 
> This story will probably have slow updates because I somehow thought it was a good idea to add another WIP when I can hardly keep up with the others. But I fell in love with this universe after the first chapter so I want to write more and it's a nice change, a different ship.  
> I said it'll be 5 chapters because that's what I'm going to aim for but I'll probably get caught by plot bunnies and end up with more.  
> Here's my [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com) for anyone interested. It might be heavily supercorp (and mainly Lena Luthor and Katie McGrath) oriented but if you've got nice other-ships stuff I'm open to that too. I don't like ship hating and though I do have my personal preferences I'll never do the hating part. Ship and let ship.

When she closes her eyes, she can still feel it sometimes. Like her skin is being ripped away from muscle. Ligaments torn and fire burning on her exposed tissue. It feels like every inch of her is simultaneously on fire as well as freezing, burning in loud complaint and trying valiantly to make her do something to stop it.

She snaps her eyes open and the feeling immediately disappears. A small ache in her muscles and her memory the only way to tell she’s felt it again. She blinks, slowly because somehow her body doesn’t do rapidly again with anything.

Over and over her minds plays back the questions Supergirl dared to ask her.

“Do you know what it’s like, to walk into a room and your skin feel like it’s going to be seared off your bones?”

“Like nails are running through your blood.”

She does. She does and she won’t ever be able to forget it. She blinks again and the feeling is back. Igniting deep in her bones and superficially just beneath her skin. It makes its way from the tips of her toes all the way to her crown leaving aching muscles and damaged nerves in its wake.

Her left hand hasn’t stopped trembling since. She’s perfectly capable of hiding it, keeping her arm behind her body, her hand in her pocket or clasped in the other. She’s glad it’s not her dominant hand because she’s sure it would show in a shaky signature.

James is the only one who knows. He’s never brought it up. Never asked her. But she knows he’s seen her hand shake uncontrollably. It’s a lot harder to hide it when they’re alone; trying to relax, trying to sleep. She’s told him about her visit to her doctor too, about the meds she now has to take after the cyanide poisoning. About how little research and knowledge there is because usually people die or are exposed over a long time to lower levels. Not to a spike like she has. There’re really only several cases known like her, surviving a high single dose. Most of them attempted suicides.

 

Her body betraying her is a good representation of her experiences in life. No one stays, no one is trustworthy and in the end everyone betrays her in their own way. Even if it’s not on purpose. Even if they don’t mean it. And if they don’t directly betray her, they all leave. Her birth mother being the first to do so - death is also leaving. Lex. Jack. Kara. Sam.

She hopes James is different. Really wants to give him a chance but it’s hard when she’s ready for the other shoe drop at any given moment.

It is only a matter of time, though, before others start catching on. Alex, Eve, Brainy. They’ve all been spending time with Lena in the lab and Lena usually is rather hands-on but because she no longer has full control over her left she’s been subtly trying to get out of practical work.

She’s relinquished all responsibilities over CatCo back to James. He’s shown perfectly capable to run the magazine and she is all but. She’s more useful at L-Corp and it’s the perfect way to keep business and pleasure separate.

“Miss Luthor?” Jess’s voice drifts through the intercom.

“Yes, Jess,” Lena replies, leaning away from the never-ending stack of papers on her desk.

“Mr. Olsen is here to pick you up.”

James, here? It’s hardly past noon. She never finishes work before six, and even that early is usually an exception.

“He’ll be there in a minute,” Jess adds. Lena thanks her and tries to rake her mind what James might be doing at L-Corp in the middle of the day to pick her up. She didn’t forget about a lunch date, did she? Quickly she opens up her itinerary and notices her afternoon completely devoid of appointments, as is the rest of the week. All the days are greyed out and a small note saying ‘trip to Sun City’ at the top of each day. Did she just forget a vacation trip with James?

Before she can answer herself, James enters her office with a wide smile.

“Are you ready?” he asks as he walks over to her for a kiss.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Lena replies with a smile when he releases her lips and straightens his back.

“No, you don’t.” James jokes back. Lena raises an eyebrow at him but from the way he smiles she can tell that if she really did not want to go, he wouldn’t force her. She does want to go though so she starts cleaning the clutter on the desk.

Lena closes off her computer and puts away the paperwork on her desk. She trusts there’s no pressing matters in their, Jess would have made sure she finished that before leaving.

Suddenly she remembers the discussion they had about the trip. She was — still is, actually — hesitant about leaving L-Corp behind for a week, especially now that Sam has left too. However, James convinced her, with Jess’s help, L-Corp would be fine without her and they’d know where to reach her in case of an emergency.

She gets up and grabs her coat, finding her packed suitcase behind the rack. She grabs it and rolls it behind her as James holds the door open for her.

“You have everything?” He asks, still holding the door open in case she doesn’t.

“I think so.” She can’t really remember packing her suitcase but she must’ve thought of the most important things.

“ID?” James asks and Lena checks her purse to be certain she has it. She can buy new clothes in Sun City if she forgot them, or a toothbrush or shampoo but without her ID she wouldn’t even get there. When she finds it she waves it at James and puts it back in it’s designated spot.

“Meds?” Lena rummages through her bag again and, without much trouble, finds the ample amount of pill bottles she’s been prescribed after going to her own doctor. Apparently cyanide poisoning damages the brain and, though not a lot is known, certain meds can keep the damage from getting worse.

“Yes,” Lena concludes, also finding her phone charger and a book she’d been planning to read for a while. At least she has the essentials.

 

The flight isn’t as bad as she had anticipated. With James by her side, reassuring her every time she feels overwhelmed or scared, it’s less imposing to get on an aircraft again. Even thousands of feet in the air, James can keep her grounded. All he really has to do is keep talking to her, keep her engaged in conversation. The topic doesn’t even matter.

A few hours later they land in Sun City and Lena feels like she can finally really breath again when she sets foot on solid ground. She lugs her own suitcase through the airport to the cabs because she’s too stubborn to take James up on his offer to help her. She’s perfectly capable of carrying her own stuff. If she isn’t, she should’ve packed less.

By the time they reach the cabs Lena’s arms feel like jelly and she’s glad the cab driver insists on lifting the suitcases into the trunk. The cab ride is swift and at the hotel there’s a bell boy ready to unload the cab and take their luggage up to their room.

The room looks a lot like Lena’s suite in National City; like any other expensive hotel suite. Lena’s body feels spent, having spent the morning working and the afternoon travelling. She’s really not the 25-year old she was anymore. Her body feels more like it’s approaching sixty. The suitcases are in front of the closet and usually she’d unpack hers and organise her stuff but she doesn’t have the energy to even think about it.

With a little more effort than would be normal, she manages to pry off her coat and sinks down on the side of the bed. Her exhaustion makes her tremor worse, her limbs stiff and her eyelids heavy which causes them to droop and the searing pain to reappear.

Silently, James rummages a little through the room, opening and closing the mini-fridge, the closet, a zipper. He sits down beside her and hands her a clear plastic container with pills and a water bottle. Lena opens the ‘evening’ cap of the container and shakes them out on her other hand, sending James a thankful smile for thinking of her meds because she’d completely forgotten. It’s not yet a habit.

“How about we stay in tonight?” James suggests after she’s downed all of the meds she’s supposed to take on an empty stomach. “Order roomservice, maybe watch a movie or make some plans for tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Lena agrees. She’s grateful James offered, she’d probably be too proud to admit she’s too tired to go explore the city tonight and end up ruining the remainder of their first vacation day together.

“You should rest a little and I’ll unpack,” James says, making clear he doesn’t accept any discussion on Lena’s part. With a relieved sigh she toes her shoes off, untucks her blouse and lifts it off over her head. Buttons don’t agree with her now, she knows it. She takes a deep breath, commands her fingers to cooperate and, after a little fidgeting, manages to unbutton her trousers. In nothing but her underwear she slides up the bed and under the soft covers.

When she closes her eyes this time, there’s still the burning biting at her bones but the edge has been taken off. She listens to James putting away his clothes as she rests, the sound of cupboards and the closet opening and closing somehow comforting.

 

She must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing she hears is a cart rolling and tableware clinking. She blinks away the sleep in her eyes and folds away the covers from her body. By the time she’s gotten up from the bed, James has made his way back into the room and, upon noticing her, moves to the closet and holds out a robe.

“I’ve ordered roomservice,” he tells her. “I didn’t know what you wanted so I ordered some things I know you like and you can pick.”

“Thank you, James,” Lena says as she sits down on the chair he’s pulled out for her, “you didn’t have to.”

“I did. I wanted to,” James rebuttals as he removes the covers from the dishes and waits for her to decide which one she wants.

“Which one do you want?” Lena asks. She’s not used to this and doesn’t want to disappoint James by choosing the meal he actually wanted himself.

“I don’t care, they all look delicious,” James replies smoothly, leaving Lena no other option than to pick something.

While they eat, James talks a little about everything they can do during their vacation. They’d made plans before but, as James explains, maybe it’d be best if they alter them a little. Make a list of priorities and see how much they can do. She tries to argue they don’t need to alter their plans on account of her but before she can even get a single word in he cuts her short.

“I know you don’t want to,” he says, “but it’s a vacation. We’re supposed to return well-rested and with renewed energy, not run ragged. I don’t want you to get worse because you wanted to see another cathedral. We can always come back if we haven’t done everything we wanted to but your body can’t be replaced once it’s wrecked. Please, Lena.”

He makes a compelling argument and maybe he’s right. A trip can be repeated, a body can’t be replaced and she has no reason to believe she’ll die anytime soon. Only live her life a little different than planned — or expected. That is, if the next assassination attempt doesn’t succeed.

She nods, “okay, we can start with the boat trip tomorrow and see from there.”

They make a list of priorities for their trip, planning to work their way from top to bottom so they’ll at least have seen the most important things if they can’t manage them all. They won’t manage them all, Lena already knows this. They probably wouldn’t have managed them all before she got poisoned either but there’s no way to know for sure.

Lena barely manages to eat half the food on her plate — pain really quenches ones appetite — and James finishes it for her. Not once does he mention she should eat more, he knows she can’t and the best he can do is remind her it’s mealtime so she at least eats _something_.

 

After dinner they curl up on the bed with a movie, Lena wrapped up in James’s arms and her head resting on his shoulder. One of her arms is tucked in between them, the other tracing meaningless patterns on his chest and stomach. She can’t really follow the plot, her mind going everywhere and nowhere as guilt eats at her and the emptiness of having all her friends leave feels a lot bigger.

“I forgot our trip,” she confesses in a whisper after a while.

James looks down at her and frowns, “you had everything packed and ready, what do you mean?”

“I didn’t forget this morning, I think. I forgot before you picked me up. I didn’t know why you were coming. I didn’t know I’d even packed. I completely forgot the entire thing.”

“That’s why we needed it so much. Everything’s been so hectic lately, everyone could use a break.” James tugs her a little closer and presses a kiss to her crown.

“What if it wasn’t the stress,” Lena ponders.

“You think, the cyanide?”

Lena shrugs. She doesn’t know but it’s a possibility. A worrying one.

“We’ll see,” James says, “maybe it was just stress and worry and it’s a one time thing. If not, we’ll find a way to cope, okay?”

“Okay,” Lena agrees though not entirely convinced. She’ll try to have hope, even if only for James’s sake.

They go back to the movie and Lena starts reminiscing about the past year. How much has changed. She and James started dating, Sam moved to National City and moved away again after going on a killing spree because there was a dormant Kryptonian residing in her body, Kara left for some assignment. Lena’s started building a friendship with Alex, Winn, J’onn but also lost her friendship with Supergirl. No longer anything but colleagues now. Colleagues that can’t stand each other but need to cooperate.

God, she misses Kara in moments like these. She knows James works with Supergirl so she doesn’t yet feel comfortable sharing everything she feels and thinks in that regard with him. Kara, though doesn’t have work at the DEO interfering. Yes, she’s friends with Supergirl but she’s Lena’s _best friend_ and Lena feels like she can tell her anything and Kara won’t judge. Even if it is about another friend of hers.

“Do you know when Kara’s coming back from her assignment?” she asks James. He’s her boss, if anyone knows it’s him.

“Hmm,” he hums as he thinks for a moment, “not sure. She hasn’t told you?”

“No,” Lena replies, “it’s been radio silence since she left and then she didn’t know for how long it would be.”

“Sorry, I’m afraid I don’t know either.”

“That’s okay. It’s just that I miss her,” Lena admits.

“You miss her?” He sounds surprised.

“Don’t you ever miss the people you love if you haven’t spoken to them in a while?”

“You love Kara?” James asks as he pulls back from her.

“Yes I- wait,” Lena backtracks, realising what she said and what James probably made of it, “not like that. I’m not in love with her, darling. She’s my best friend so I love her but it’s a different love from the one I feel for you.”

She looks up at him, hoping to portray her message more strongly with her eyes. James takes a moment to process but then leans down to capture her lips in his.

“I’m sorry everyone’s leaving,” James tells her, “but I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

It’s the same thing Kara told her, so Lena isn’t sure whether to believe it. On the other hand, Kara didn’t really abandon her, did she? She just left for a while, the promise was more a mental thing than physical. With James, she likes to believe it’s both and he’s more invested in this promise.

In lieu of an answer, Lena captures his lips again and lifts herself up and on top of his lap. She drapes her arms over his shoulders as she deepens their kiss, movie playing forgotten in the background as they lose themselves in each other.

 

The next several days they enjoy visiting the highlights of Sun City. Lena’s never actually explored a city. Not like this. She’s visited plenty for business but she’s never taken the time to get to know a city. Hand in hand, they walk the streets and ride the subway.

James ends up going to a museum and some landmarks alone because he’d rather have Lena be with him — both physically as well as mentally — during dinner or other highlights. The only reason this museum and the landmarks made it high up their priorities list was because James wanted to visit them and so Lena did too by extension because they’re on a vacation together.

Slowly, they tick of places from the list and by the time the last night arrives, they haven’t even made it halfway. But they’ve enjoyed themselves immensely and it was totally worth not scrambling to visit every single place recommended by the booklets.

They’re back on the bed, Lena’s head resting on James’s chest again, her fingers tracing patterns beneath it on his slightly damp skin. Their bare legs are intertwined and she wishes she could pause the world, stay in this moment a little while longer.

She loves her work at L-Corp but a seemingly eternal battle with the image of her last name, conflicts with the board and old white men trying to undermine her. The latests research into the Harun-El a painful reminder of her days in the lab with Jack, of how she can’t manage to open tubes anymore, of how much she doesn’t belong there now. She still tries to enjoy it though, doing research is what she loves and if she has Eve and her team do the practical stuff that doesn’t mean she isn’t a researcher anymore.

James starts playing with her hair, brushing his fingers through and untangling the mess it’s inevitably become. He pulls her closer, flush to his body, and captures her lips in a languid kiss. She lifts her hand from his chest to his cheek and brushes his skin with her thumb.

With her eyes closed but his lips on hers, his tongue battling with hers, she can barely feel the pain in her body. He’s almost like a drug, placing a gently blanket over the fire in her tissues. She breaks their kiss before it can become more intense and sighs a little. She really can’t go another round, even if she wants to. He seems to understand, stretching slightly for the remote and handing it to her so she can pick something to watch if she wants to.

She puts the device on their legs, atop the covers and relaxes back into James’s embrace. She rather enjoy this quiet moment a little longer before putting on a movie. His head comes down to the top of hers, his cheek resting on her crown as they both stare in the distance lost in thought.

“Move in with me,” he suddenly suggests. Lena’s head snaps up, jostling his slightly in the abrupt movement.

“What?”

“Move in with me,” he repeats. “I don’t like you living in a hotel and if you move in with my you don’t have to look for a place. Two birds, one stone. And I don’t think I even want you to go away, ever. I’ve become much too attached to having you in my bed every night during this vacation. I don’t think I can sleep without you in my arms.”

“You’re such a sap,” Lena jokes, playfully hitting his side.

“Hey!” James exclaims with a laugh. “I’m your sap so you better appreciate it.”

Lena rolls her eyes before placing her head back in its familiar and comfortable spot.

“I mean it, Lena,” James says, voice back to serious. She lifts her head once more to look him in the eyes, his dark chestnut coloured ones lovingly looking at her forest green ones.

“You’re serious?” she asks. She’s never lived with someone before, except for her family. Even Jack never asked and she never dared to, afraid of ruining what they had in the old garage box. She’s sure she can’t be easy to live with. Too high maintenance, too demanding, too clingy or too indifferent, she’s just never good enough. Lillian has made that plenty clear.

“Yes, please move in with me,” James pleads. “You can even keep that ridiculous stuffed teddy.”

“Hey! Kara won that one for me,” Lena quips, reminded of the trip she and Kara made a long time ago to a carnival because Lena had slipped she’d never been and Kara was determined to change that. With surprisingly little effort Kara had then concurred a stuffed animal by throwing a dozen cans off a wooden board with only two balls. That day had a lot of firsts for Lena and will always be a fond memory.

“In that case, he can stay but not in the bedroom,” James jokes, earning a laugh from Lena.

She doesn’t answer for another minute, contemplating what it would be like to live with James. His apartment is nice, spacious yet still cozy. It’s beautifully decorated with his own pictures, a painting Kara made him for his first birthday in National City and some other pieces of art. She knows for a fact there’s plenty of room for her stuff, he doesn’t need half his closet space and the bathroom is nearly empty as well, save for his razor, shaving cream and one-in-all shampoo and body wash. He’s once told her his apartment feels rather empty, even though there’s enough clutter to fill the space.

She’d probably fit right in the imaginary hole. It’s not belongings James longs for in his apartment. It’s someone. Her.

“Okay,” she acquiesces when she’s made her mind up.

“Really?” he asks, his eyes starting to twinkle with excitement.

“Really,” Lena assents, “I’ll move in with you.”

James’s entire face lights up with pure joy. He excitedly lifts her off, placing her gently on her back on the bed and leaning over her as he places nimble kisses first all over her face and then slowly tracing down and peppering her entire body with them.

“James,” she laughs, trying weakly to fight him off. Her hands pressing against his shoulders and arms as she squirms beneath him. Her skin feels like it’s back on fire, the good kind, like a while ago, but with traces of the bad kind trying to worm their way through.

“James,” she pleads, “James, please.” The fire edging more and more towards painful.

“James!” she nearly shouts when the precarious balance is about to tip over. The message seems to hit home and James suddenly pulls his head away as if struck by lightning.

“Shit, Lena,” he blurts, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He recoils back further, increasing the distance between them.

She shakes her head a little, her hair twisting itself in knots between her head and the pillow. It’s not his fault. He couldn’t have known. Tears prick in her eyes, forming without her consent. Fighting their way out of her, not only from the pain, also from guilt. How can James like her like this, when at any moment she can kill the mood because of some stupid pain that’s not even real.

She really hates herself sometimes. If only she wasn’t herself. Someone else would probably be much better for James. She’s only a downer, a disappointed, a mood-killer.

“Are you okay?” James asks worried, hovering over her from beside the bed but never touching.

Lena can’t fight the tears any more and they escape from her eyes, working their way steadily down and wetting the pillow beneath her. She tries to nod, let James know he didn’t do anything wrong.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers hoarsely, beginning a low chant of the phrase. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Lena,” James cuts her off, carefully brushing away her tears with his thumbs only to make room for more. He tries to get her attention, gently tilting her head slightly so she’s facing him. “Hey, hey, honey, look at me please,” he pleads and she tries to blink away the tears and focus on his slightly blurry face.

“Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?” he asks then, “please be honest.”

“No,” Lena mumbles, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise, I should’ve stopped when you asked,” James says, cupping her cheek. Her hand comes up to catch his between her face and hand.

“It’s not your fault either,” she tells him. “You couldn’t have known. I didn’t know.”

Fresh tears appear as Lena thinks of what she isn’t saying. _You deserve better. You shouldn’t have to worry about stupid things like this. You shouldn’t have to take care of your girlfriend like some old person._

“Stop that,” he requests, “please stop blaming yourself or thinking you’re not good enough. You are exactly enough. You don’t have to change a single thing and if this is our new reality, then so be it. You can’t change it and neither can I so we’ll work with what we get, okay? Please don’t beat yourself up over something out of your control.”

Lena tries to pull James closer, tugging on his arm until he complies and climbs on the bed with her again. She burrows her face in James’s shoulder as he wraps his arms around her to hold her while she cries. Tears of frustration, guilt, fear and pain all make their way out of her body and when she’s done crying she’s left feeling blissfully empty but with a pounding headache. James whispers sweet nothings to her, stroking her back, her head, her arms until she calms down.

He places her back on the bed then and with a kiss to her temple he leaves, telling her, “I’ll be right back.”

He returns with a glass of water and some painkillers for her to take, sliding right back in next to her when she’s taken them and drank the water. He pulls her close again and tucks the covers in around them, wrapping them up in a little cocoon. The world outside doesn’t exist for tonight. One more night without responsibilities weighing them down. Without the burden of their jobs, their other activities, their names, skin colour or gender. One more night in blissful heaven.

“You’ll still move in with me?” he asks when her eyes begin to droop and he body has started to relax again.

She replies sleepily, “of course,” before letting the drag of sleep take her under. James’s warmth and familiar skin against hers keeping the burning pain away for another night.


	2. Metropolis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this would have 5 chapters but I don't feel like writing angst and I've got too many ideas for other stories in my head and too little energy to write everything so I'm picking my battles. So, therefore, I'm sorry to announce this will only have 1 more chapter for now. Who knows, maybe sometime in the future I will have more inspiration for this but for now, I'll keep it at 3 chapters. I feel like it's a finished story with these 3 (you can probably even stop reading after any) so I hope you'll be satisfied with what I can provide.   
> That said, enjoy the next chapter.

White hot pain takes her vision so suddenly she can’t prepare for it. All she can do is close her eyes, lean back and wish for it to pass. She hasn’t had a flare up this bad in a while. It’s mostly been lingering aches, joint pains and exhaustion. Closing her eyes has become less of a burden now that she doesn’t feel the burning every time she does so but today it seems her body has other plans.

It starts unexpectedly, building up to an insane height in milliseconds and lasting for nearly a minute only to then slowly dwindle down. Bit by bit the pain recedes and Lena’s senses return, she’s aware again of where she is, feeling the familiar couch cushions beneath her body.

“Lena?” someone asks. Kara asks, Lena realises after a moment. She’s with Kara in her office. They’re having lunch. Slowly, everything falls back into place. “Are you okay?”

“Mhmm, I’m fine.” She doesn’t open her eyes yet, afraid she’ll set something new off. Or maybe afraid of the look Kara might give her. Either way, it’s better to keep her eyes closed a little longer. She focusses on relaxing her muscles, all tensed up from trying to fight the pain. She knows it probably only made it worse but it’s an involuntary response of her body, not something she can help.

“Are you sure? You look a little pale.”

“Just a moment.” She breathes out, steadily, slowly, deliberately. With every second air leaves her body, so does more tension and pain. When her lungs are empty and start to scream for air, now burning worse than the rest of her body, she opens her eyes and inhales.

Kara looks even more worried than she’d expected. She should probably tell her. Kara is her best friend. Kara would understand. It would make things easier if someone besides James knew. Really knew, not like Alex’s stolen glances and understanding looks that say she knows _something_ is going on but someone Lena truly trusts knowing exactly what’s happening to her.

Lena thinks it over for a moment as she tugs on her blouse to get it back in order. Make her look put together again when she knows her face is probably still betraying her. At least her clothes could hold up some sort of pretence.

Kara watches curiously, concerned. Lena feels rather guilty for causing those feelings. It would probably feel good to talk about it too. With someone other than James because he gets too overbearing sometimes. It would be nice to have someone other than her boyfriend to talk to, in case he’s unavailable or doesn’t understand. In case something happens.

“Remember when I got poisoned?” she starts.

Kara nods, “the cyanide.”

“Yes, the cyanide. Well, I sometimes still feel it. It’s caused some irreversible damage and sometimes it’s worse than other times.” She shrugs, no longer perturbed by her new reality but Kara only manages to look at her, wide-eyed and guilty. “If you didn’t get me help so fast, I wouldn’t even be here,” she says. Hopefully it will make Kara feel less responsible. If she and James hadn’t gotten her help so incredibly fast, she’d have been long dead. Or at least in a coma she’d never wake from.

“I’m sorry,” Kara says softly.

Lena doesn’t hesitate to take her hand, squeezing it softly in reassurance. “You didn’t poison me. There’s nothing to be sorry for. At least I’m still alive. I’m still me.” That last part is so important to her. So incredibly important she can’t fathom how to convey to Kara how glad she is she got saved by her, and in time to not lose herself. Yes, she’s in pain nearly all the time and sometimes it gets really bad but she can still think clearly. She can still walk and talk, breathe, feed herself. She’ll miss out on some things in life but she never was much into sports and she can settle for shorter walks and adjusted vacations if that’s what it takes. It’s no big deal. So long as she has her mind and independence.

“Does it hurt?” Kara puts away her burger in favour of listening to Lena and that’s a grand gesture for her. Lena’s so very glad for a friend like her, one who makes time and gives her undivided attention when needed.

“A little, usually,” Lena says honestly. “When it’s bad it feels like nails shooting through my bones and my skin searing off. But most of the time it’s just in the background and my meds take the bite away.”

Kara gets that guilty look again, this time slightly different as if she’s done something. As if she’s somehow hurt Lena herself. Lena knows it’s not true. There’s no reason for Kara to feel guilty. Edge had her poisoned and Kara, her best friend, would never do something like that. Kara couldn’t even hurt someone if she tried, Lena is convinced of that. Kara’s too sweet and soft and hopeful.

“It’s not too bad,” she reassures her friend. “It’s mostly tiring, really.” Okay, maybe not really because it still does hurt and some joints are worse than others and the changing weather seems to influence it too. The dry and cooling air worming its way into them and making them even stiffer and ache worse.

Kara looks like she wants to say something, her eyes watery as if she’s about to shed tears. She visibly swallows her words and settles on something different, “if you ever need me, for anything, just let me know. Any time, okay?”

Lena smiles gently at her, uttering a soft, “thank you.”

They continue their meal in silence for a while, both lost in thought. Lena picks at her fries, excruciatingly slowly working her way through them while Kara inhales her food way too fast. Lena’s intrigued Kara somehow manages to eat so quickly without getting a stomach ache after each meal but then again, she’s never been a fast eater herself and her dwindled appetite only makes her slower. At least she’s not blowing up like she was when she got put on prednisone for a brief while. It’s a delicate balance, her meds and her appetite, but she’s trying really hard to make it work like this and not need yet another adjustment in medication. It always leaves her symptoms worse for a while, even if they taper out eventually it’s not worth it when she can manage like this.

She plays with a fry as Kara watches her when the nagging thought in the back of her head, the one she’s been nurturing for over a week now, works its way to the forefront of her mind. “James’s mother invited us over for Christmas.”

“Oh! That’s nice of her,” Kara quickly exclaims, exited enough to compensate for Lena’s reservation. “I love Christmas and Christmas with family is the best.”

“Mhmm,” Lena hums vaguely.

“You’re not happy he wants you to meet his family?”

“I am,” Lena quickly assures, “I am. It’s a big step and I think we’re ready for it but— what if they hate me, Kara? What if they think I’m like Lex and don’t trust me and drive us apart?”

“Hey,” Kara softly says to draw Lena’s eyes back to hers, “you’re not like your family. You’re good and kind and caring. You love James and he loves you and that should be enough. His family will see it and if they don’t, James isn’t the kind of guy to just drop you because of it. He’ll make his family see. He’s probably already told them all about you.”

“He has?” Lena nearly chokes out, acutely aware of the fact she doesn’t know how a family actually functions and never having even considered James would have mentioned her to his family when he visited.

“He would be an idiot not to,” Kara states. “He’s exactly the type of boyfriend who will never shut up about his girlfriend. I’m sure they already love you and you have nothing to worry about. And if they’re not convinced yet, they will be when they meet you.”

Kara sounds so matter-of-factly, so convinced of herself, Lena almost believes her. Almost.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Give yourself a little more credit, Lena. You’re a great person and anyone who cares to look can see that. Now, tell me more about Sun City. I’ve never been. What’s the best restaurant?”

Lena laughs wholeheartedly at Kara’s immediate focus on food. Only Kara can manage to cheer her up by mentioning food. Lena fondly shakes her head before recounting her trip with James and everything else that happened during Kara’s assignment.

 

* * *

 

“You did tell them I’m Lena _Luthor_ , right?” Lena asks, voicing another one of her worries as she places clothes on the bed to take with.

“It might have come up but my mom was more impressed by the fact you own two fortune 500 companies.” James puts some of his own clothing on the bed with hers, mentally going down his list of stuff he needs to pack as he moves about the bedroom to grab everything.

“Those are hardly my own accomplishments,” Lena counters. She can’t take any credit for inheriting a company and more money than she could ever need.

“Keeping them afloat is. And being on the Forbes’ 30 under 30 list.”

“She really doesn’t have an issue with me being a Luthor?”

“She said, and I quote: ‘Jimmy, if she makes you happy and you trust her, how could I not?’ so there’s really no problem. Did you see my book somewhere?”

Lena points to a haphazard pile of his clothing and he lifts it to find the book buried beneath. Slowly, the bed fills with clothing, toiletries and anything else they need to pack for their trip. It’s only a few days so James had convinced Lena they could fit everything in one suitcase and that taking only one case would be much more convenient.

“You’re sure she’s okay with us staying there? I can still make a hotel reservation,” Lena offers. No matter how much James convinces her everything will be fine and his family will love her, she can’t stop worrying about the most menial things.

“She’d be insulted if we don’t stay with her, really. She likes having the house filled with life.”

“But what if—”

“What if she likes you?” James cuts her off, grabbing her hands and softly guiding her to sit down next to him on the edge of the bed. “What if she enjoys your presence and loves you? What if she supports us being together because that’s what a good mother does?”

“I’m not very good with mothers.”

“Eliza liked you just fine on Thanksgiving,” James argues.

“Eliza isn’t my boyfriend’s mother.”

“No, she’s your best friend’s. Your best friend who— who is really close to both Supergirl and Superman. That must count for something.”

Lena worries her bottom lip between her teeth, her fingers stuck in James’s caress. “Maybe,” she acquiesces.

“I’ll take a maybe over a no. Are you okay with staying at my mom’s? If you don’t I can still tell her we’re getting a hotel. I want you to be comfortable during our first real Christmas together and with my family.”

“No, we can stay at you mom’s. If that makes her happy.”

“It does. Thank you.” James presses a kiss to her lips before frowning at everything on the bed. “I think we might have to reconsider taking two suitcases.” 

Lena follows his gaze over the bed, gauging the volume everything will take up when efficiently packed. “I think one will suffice.”

“Babe, have you seen how much stuff we want to bring?”

“I did. Just get the bigger one and I’ll prove everything will fit just fine,” Lena says with a challenging smirk.

 

As soon as James drops the suitcase next to the bed, Lena starts meticulously packing. She keeps a set of clothing for both of them separate for their carry-ons just in case and packs the rest in the suitcase. She tightly rolls op shirts, fills the cups of bras with socks and squeezes underwear in caps. Slowly, the pile on the bed shrinks until she’s grabbing the last item and places it in a last free spot. She doesn’t even have to put any effort into closing the lid, everything fitting snuggly but perfectly, as she closes the clasps. With a smug look she raises from the floor, stretching her limbs before pulling the suitcase upright and looking at James with a pleased look.

“God, you’re hot when you do that,” James husks, moving closer to her and tugging her slightly to close the rest of the distance between them.

“What? Prove you wrong?” she laughs mischievously looking up at him.

“No, look so satisfied with yourself.” He presses his lips briefly to her forehead and pulls back to look at her knowing smile. “Okay, and prove me wrong too.” He slowly walks them back until her legs hit the edge of the bed and he braces his large hands on her back to keep her from tumbling back on it.

He leans down, capturing her lips in another hungry kiss. He lowers his hands and lifts her slightly, instinctively she wraps her arms and legs around him like a koala as he leans forward more to carefully lower her down on the mattress. Not once do his lips leave their assault on hers. Not that she’s complaining, she returns his hungry smooch just as eagerly.

“James,” she breathes when he gives her a moment of reprieve. His hands trail softly down her sides, tickling her ribs over the fabric of her shirt.

“Hmm.” He lowers his mouth from lingering over hers to softly trailing over her jaw and steadily working its way down her neck, pressing kisses along the way.

“James—” She breathes in sharply when his teeth find the sensitive spot where her neck meets her shoulder. James laughs slyly as he presses his soft tongue against the spot. “Our plane.”

“We have a few hours,” he says as he gently removes her hands from pressing against his chest and one-handedly pins them above her head. “This okay?”

“I don’t want to be late.” She wiggles her arms a little to test his grip, nodding when it doesn’t hurt too bad. She’s been bothered by her wrist a lot lately, so much so she eventually let James talk her into going back to her doctor, who advised her to get fitted for a brace. She complied and in about a week she should be the proud new owner of a custom-made brace, though she’d rather not need one at all.

“We won’t be. A few hours is more than enough and you should be nice and relaxed when you get on the plane. Maybe it will help.” With his free hand he starts trailing down her body again, his fingers working their way beneath her shirt and gracing bare skin.

“Maybe,” she says sceptically. “But no hickeys, I don’t want your mom’s first impression of me to be a harsh reminder of her son’s sex life.”

“Too late.” He presses his lips once again to the place where her neck meets her shoulder and gently sucks on her pale skin. If there wasn’t a visible mark before, there sure is now. She whines softly, more from pleasure than from pain or complaint, wrapping one of her legs back around his and stroking the back of his calf with her foot. He releases her hands to tug at her shirt and she seizes the moment to start clumsily unbuttoning his.

* * *

 

James’s trick might have done it because somehow Lena managed to spend their entire flight asleep, only waking up when the plane started its descend. The book she packed to try and kill time during the flight is still safely packed in her carry-on. She doesn’t even remember receiving a welcome drink, probably having fallen asleep even before they came by.

They retrieve the suitcase, James rolling it behind him with one arm, his other wrapped around Lena, and exit the airport to the taxis. Lena remains quiet for most of it, still slightly nervous about not being accepted. Not being good enough.

She stares out the window as the cab weaves its way through traffic. She’s lived in Metropolis for years but never on this side of town. The Luthor mansion was on the outskirts and later she moved to a luxurious loft downtown with large windows that probably cost more than most people make in a few years. Definitely not something James’s mother could afford, with her secretary job at a small firm.

She observes the neighbourhoods they pass by, one hand in James’s as he tells her about each important place they happen to pass.

“That’s my old high school. And there’s the basketball court I always played at with my friends.”

Every building, park and road has a story and Lena wants to hear all of them. Later. He gives her the short summary of most of them for now, promising to tell her more when they pass by them again a next time.

Much too soon they’re stopping in front of a terraced house. The cabby gets their luggage from the trunk, placing it on the curb for them. Lena hands him the fee and then some, telling him to keep the change before steeling herself and turning around to face the house.

James carries their big suitcase up the few steps and insists on helping Lena with her small carry-on too. She lets him, something she’s had to learn over the last few months. Sometimes it’s not worth fighting James on helping her. He means well and he usually is right about her having a tendency to overexert herself. She’s still learning what she should and shouldn’t do. What’s immediately too much and what will later prove to be too much when she doesn’t know what the rest of the day brings.

All she has to carry up the steps to the front door is a comic book they came across on the airport and James insisted they buy for his nephew. They’d already gotten him plenty of Christmas gifts — as well as for the rest of James’s family, ordering everything online and having it delivered to his mother directly — but James thought it would be a nice ice breaker for Lena and a way he couldn’t do anything but like her. Kids are always easily bribed with gifts, as long as they’re not betrayed later, which Lena doesn’t plan on doing.

 

James rings the doorbell and several seconds later the door slowly swings open, showing an empty hallway until a tiny boy appears from behind it to fling himself at James.

“Uncle James!” he screams excitedly, his entire face lighting up as James lifts him.

“Hello buddy. You’ve gotten big.” James pretends to drop the boy, catching him before he actually falls earning him a cheerful screech.

“Dax Kendrick Williams,” a woman starts reprimanding before she’s in view, “what did I tell you about opening the door without supervision?”

“But it’s uncle James.” Dax pouts before being put down, giving Lena a short glance and disappearing behind his mother’s legs right after.

“Well, you didn’t know that before you opened the door, did you? Hi Jimmy,” she greets, moving forward to wrap James in a one-armed hug.

“Hi Livvy.”

“Ohh and this must be your girlfriend. Come in, come in,” she ushers, getting Lena and James out of the cold and closing the door behind them.

James’s look immediately goes mush as he turns his head to look down at Lena standing besides him. “Yes, Livvy, this is Lena. Lena, my sister Olivia.”

“Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot,” Lena greets a little stiffly as she extends her hand. Olivia hold it tight and shakes it energetically, returning the niceties before stepping aside so James can hang his and Lena’s coats on the rack by the door.

“Is that Jimmy?” another voice calls from somewhere beyond the next door. Lena assumes it’s James’s mother calling. He hadn’t mentioned any other women in his family aside from his sister and mother.

Before anyone can answer the question, Dax’s small feet patter on the floor. He stands on the tips of his toes to get the door handle down and throws the door wide open, running inside the next room. “Uncle James was right,” he declares, his high-pitched voice carrying all the way down the hallway, “his girlfriend is really pretty.”

Lena can feel a small blush creeping up her cheeks as James bellows out a deep laugh. Olivia only shakes her head fondly and makes to follow her son inside, taking James’s small carry-on from him before she does so. Lena looks down at the comic book she’s holding. Dax seems too young and too energetic to enjoy something like that. She feels maybe a ball would have been a better gift so he could actually play with it, even if James might have deemed the book suitable.

“Does he even know how to read?” Lena whispers to James, earning herself another laugh.

“No but he likes the pictures and to be read superhero stories before bed.”

They leave their luggage in the narrow hallway, pushing everything against a wall so a small path is still free, only taking the comic book with them to the living room.

“Momma,” James greets the moment he steps inside, immediately making his way over to the smaller woman standing in the open kitchen with Dax. She’s got crow’s feet by her eyes that wrinkle even more when James pulls her in for a hug. Her dirty apron leaving some flour residue on James’s shirt, which she quickly starts patting off of him.

She’s hardly done brushing him clean when her eyes fall on Lena and she drops her apron on a stool to make her way over to her son’s girlfriend.

“You must be Lena,” she tells her, barely waiting for an acknowledgment before she wraps her arms around Lena and gives her a warm welcoming hug.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Olsen,” Lena says when she’s been released again.

“You can call me Mary, dear.”

Lena has to admit she’s a bit taken aback by the warm and friendly welcome she’s receiving and doesn’t respond. Luckily, she doesn’t have to as an alarm in the kitchen goes off and Mrs. Olsen — Mary — hurries away to pull open the oven.

James, noticing Lena’s slight unease, takes her hand and guides her to the sofa where they sit down side by side.

“Dax, come greet Lena,” James asks the boy who hides behind his mother again. “We got you something but you can’t open a present from all the way over there.” That seems to pique his interest and shyly he steps away from his mother, letting go of the fabric of her trousers before making his way over to James and Lena. Lena doesn’t miss the fact he’s deliberately standing as far away from her as he can while still being close to James, her boyfriend’s long legs forming some sort of shield between them.

“Hi,” he mumbles to her, glancing at her quickly before casting his eyes down again.

“Hello, Dax. Nice to meet you,” Lena says, trying to make her voice sound as kind as possible. “We got you something we thought you might like.” She hands him the wrapped book over James’s legs and he receives it, dropping down to the floor as soon as she lets go so he can better unwrap it with his small hands.

“It’s a Wolverine!” he shouts at the top of his tiny lungs when the wrapping paper has been carefully pried away from the flimsy pages of the comic, causing everyone but Olivia to flinch. He punctuates his statement with a loud roar, running over to his mother to show her his present.

“That’s nice of uncle James and Lena,” she tells him. “What do we say then?”

“Thank you uncle James.”

“And?”

“And Lena,” he adds a little softer but with a bright smile, a little less shy towards her now.

“Why don’t you put it in your room with your other books,” Olivia suggests. Dax nods enthusiastically before running out the room and up the stairs.

 

Without the small bundle of energy running around, Olivia focussed her attention on Lena, politely asking about her work and anything about her relationship with James he hadn’t yet told her. Mary offers them something to drink and puts a plate of freshly baked cookies on the table for them to enjoy.

Lena takes tiny bites from her dinosaur shaped cookie as she answers question after a question and asks a few herself.

“Where’s Adam?” James asks after a while, just as Dax enters the room again.

“Daddy forgot the carrots for Santa’s reindeer so he had to go back and get them,” he states sternly as if he’s the parents scolding their child instead of the other way around. None of the adults can keep in their laughter at his serious face but Dax himself doesn’t even notice, shouting out, “cookies!!” before attacking the small pile and trying to stuff multiple in his mouth. Olivia jumps in quickly and stops him from grabbing more, cradling him on her lap as he enjoys the treats he did manage to grab.

Olivia softly chides Dax for taking so many cookies before setting him down so he can play while she continues the conversation with James, Mary and Lena.

Lena can feel herself relax a little more as time passes and there’s never any mention of her last name, family or of her being James’s boss. From time to time she watches Dax run past with a toy plane, making soft engine noises and unintelligibly narrating a story.

Suddenly, Dax stops in front of Lena and stares intently at her. She tries not to squirm, it’s really unnerving to have a tiny kid look so intense, and smiles softly at him. He breaks eye contact but instead of running along to continue playing, he climbs on the sofa next to her.

“I know my mommy is scary sometimes but you don’t have to be afraid. I’ll keep you safe.” He takes her left hand and that’s when it clicks. She’d been lax and forgotten to hide her left hand. Dax must’ve picked up on the uncontrollable tremor and taken it for fear. She doesn’t really want to explain the misunderstanding, so instead she runs with it.

“Thank you, Dax,” she says, squeezing his hand a little as if he really offers comfort.

Dax looks up at her with a toothy grin and leans into her side a little. “Did you have cookies? Cookies always make it better.”

“I did”

“Which?”

Lena concludes he must mean which shape because there’s nothing else distinguishing the cookies from one another. “A dinosaur.”

“I made those!” Dax cheers proudly.

“And it was very tasty, thank you.”

Satisfied, Dax leans back against her, his head lulling against her arm after a while as his tiredness catches up with him.

Lena had never imagined meeting James’s family would be this easy. She’d never imagined being accepted so effortlessly, let alone be liked and make a new tiny friend. Adam proved just as easy-going as his wife and mother-in-law, accepting Lena without problem.


	3. Christmas morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. The chapter really didn't want to be written and I'm still not entirely satisfied with it but it's not going to get any better in the foreseeable future. Some maybe good news is that my brain decided there is going to be an epilogue set in the future. It's not going to be long, though.

Christmas morning is upon them in the blink of an eye and Lena groggily wakes up to loud high-pitched screaming telling her and James, “it is time! Hurry up sleepy-heads!”

She’s never celebrated Christmas with an excitable, impatient kid. She’s never really celebrated Christmas at all, unless fancy dinners and impersonal expensive gifts — mainly given for show — count.

“Ss too early,” Lena slurs, pulling a pillow over her head to try and keep all the sounds out.

James laughs, a deep rumble that doesn’t care about the pillow Lena has clutched over her ears and just resonates through it. She pulls it away and angrily glares at him.

“Good morning, sunshine,” he tells her, walking over and kissing her between her brows where she knows a crinkle is present. He affectionately cards his hand through her hair and she uses his arm to pull him closer, making him fall back on the bed. “I’d advise you to get up before Dax decides you need help and storms up the stairs.”

Lena grumbles and burrows into James’s side a little more before sighing and resigning herself to the fact she has to get up. She throws the covers off and immediately regrets it when the cold air hits her whole body, making her hairs stand on end and her skin break out in goose bumps. “Shit, it’s cold.”

James quickly holds a bathrobe up for her to slip into. “How are you feeling?” he asks as he slips his feet in a pair of slippers.

“Glad you insisted I take a nap yesterday before mass.” She punctuates her statement with a yawn and pulls the robe a little tighter around her. “What time is it even?”

“Six thirty,” James replies with a smirk, holding the door open for Lena so they can join the rest downstairs.

“No way.” Lena glances at her phone and curses under her breath when she sees James is right. “I’m glad we don’t have one of those running around every morning.”

James starts. “You don’t want kids?”

“Hmm?” Lena stops walking and turns around. “We talked about this, didn’t we? With you, I do if you want that too. I’m just saying I don’t mind we don’t have any right now. I’d like to enjoy my mornings a while longer.”

“Oh, okay. I thought you’d changed your mind for a moment there,” James admits.

“If I did, I wouldn’t spring it on you like this,” she reassures him as she walks over to stand in front of him. “But we barely moved in together so I wouldn’t worry about it too much. We’ll figure it out and I don’t mind too much either way.” Lena shifts to her tiptoes, pulling a little on James’s collar to get him down to her level for a kiss. “Don’t tell me for now you don’t enjoy getting to sleep in when you want to.”

“Oh, I do. I really do,” James acknowledges, pressing close for another kiss.

From the bottom of the stairs a shrill voice interrupts their moment. “Old people are so slow! Hurry up or you won’t get any presents.”

They breathe out a laugh and lean their foreheads together for a moment to enjoy each other’s closeness just a second longer before pulling apart and descending the stairs. At the bottom, Dax is waiting for them with a stern look on his face.

“So bossy,” James jokes, ruffling Dax’s hair before wrapping his arm around Lena’s back so they can descend the rest of the stairs together. Dax is impatiently trying to speed them up and complaining about how slow, like snails, they are.

 

They’re all huddled together around the Christmas tree, presents spilling out from underneath it, all with neatly written tags with names on them.

“Dax, honey, why don’t you explain to Lena how we always celebrate Christmas?” Olivia suggests. Dax immediately puts on a serious face and stands up in front of the adults as a teacher.

“First, everyone gets to open one, _one-_ ” he raises a single tiny finger to emphasise his point- “present from Santa. Those are in the socks. Then, we have breakfast and go for a walk to show we have patience and aren’t greedy. And _then_ we get to open the presents together. Only one at a time so we don’t have, uhm, mommy?” He looks to Olivia for help and immediately gets it.

“Chaos,” she gently fills in for him.

“Yes, that. Chaos. Because that’s not nice. We always start with the rest of Santa’s gifts and then we do the gifts from grandma and mommy and daddy and uncle James and you and me. Santa always gives small gifts so don’t be sad if he gives something small because he has a lot of other kids to give gifts.” Dax proceeds by taking one gift from each stocking and handing it to the designated person.

Lena is still baffled they went through the effort to get her a stocking. She’s only ever had a dainty one with frilly lace, too small for gifts and only hung up for show in the room her parents would receive people in.

Dax hands her a small round object before taking his own gift and sitting back down on a pillow on the floor.

“Now you can open it,” Dax announces.

Lena carefully pries loose the tape and unwraps the gift, ignoring Dax’s excited shouting about receiving a banana himself. Her gift contains a small mandarin with a smiley face drawn in sharpie on the smooth skin. She can’t help the smile that spreads on her face as she looks down at the fruit.

“Ohhhh!!” Dax cheers as he looks at her mandarin. “If your fruit is happy it means you’ve been good this year. Look, my banana is happy too because I’ve been a good boy.” He shows her his banana with a winking smiley drawn on its peel.

 

After breakfast, which consists of a fruit salad with all their smiling fruits, waffles and eggs, they dress themselves warmly to go for a walk outside. It’s not necessarily freezing cold but warm is different. No snow has fallen yet, seemingly waiting for the new year to arrive before doing so, and the sky is clear and bright. The breeze is biting and Lena is glad for her scarf and gloves. She burrows her nose a little further in the fabric to keep her nose from getting too cold.

Dax runs ahead of the group, chasing ducks away from the pond they pass and pointing out each and every animal and vehicle he says. Everything gets a story and he rambles on and on about them, his words flying away on the wind as he runs away again. Lena cannot fathom having so much energy. They’re about halfway, she asked a few minutes ago, and she can already feel her body begging her to stop walking. It’s not necessarily a long walk but the cold is eating at her and makes her limbs feel like she’s wading through water.

Slowly, she starts lagging behind. She started walking in the front with Mary but now, she’s the last one of the group and the distance between her and them is increasing. James, of course, notices and slows down to walk by her side. He offers his arm and Lena wants to refuse it; she doesn’t need help walking. Except, she does. It takes her only a short moment to get over her pride and loop her own arm with James’s. She refuses to lean on him, though. It’s just a small support, she’s not going to use James as a crutch.

 

After a short while, Lena gets the break she’s been wanting but was too stubborn to ask for. Dax has found a tree surrounded by pine cones and insists on collecting all of them before finishing the walk. Not wanting a fight on Christmas morning, Olivia relents and lets Dax start piling all the pine cones. She tells him he can pick _one_ to bring home, the rest he has to leave behind. That sets Dax on the search for the best one of the batch. Lena, James and Maria find a bench nearby to sit on while they wait.

Eventually, Dax has narrowed his choice down to two possible pine cones to bring home. First, he shows them to his parents and asks for their opinion and then he trots to the bench and lets Maria, James and Lena voice their opinions.

Lena ends up telling Dax about math in nature. She explains how the Fibonacci sequence shows up in many plants and flowers, also in pine cones. Dax curiously listens and soaks it all up. Maybe it’s a little advanced for his level of understanding but he seems interested and asks questions whenever they arise so Lena happily explains more and more about it.

 

“I love you,” James says softly when Lena’s done answering all of Dax’s questions and the boy has run off to put back the newly rejected pine cone — it’s Fibonacci numbers weren’t as pretty as the other one. Lena turns to look up at James. His eyes are soft and starry, smile soft and warm and his hand reaching out for hers.

“I love you too, darling.” Lena looks at James’s gooey eyes and completely out of this world expression and appends her sentence, “but why are you suddenly so sentimental?”

“You’re just so patient and never give up. Not when he asks difficult questions—” James points at Dax who’s running around in the distance— “or when work gets hard or when your body gets in the way. And I just— I realised I don’t want to grow old without you.”

James’s admission leaves Lena teary-eyed and as she quickly wipes away the water in the corner of her eyes, she playfully swats at her boyfriend. “None of that mushiness, James Olsen. We’d said no moving too fast. I’m not dying, we can take our time. We can grow old together but no proposals just yet.” She raises a warning finger causing James to burst out in a deep, bellowing laugh. He throws his head in his neck as his voice booms through the park.

Lena can’t help smile at James’s loud laughter. It takes him a bit to calm down and stop laughing, but when he does so, he pulls her close and embraces her tightly.

“Please don’t ever change,” he whispers in her hair.

She doesn’t reply. They both know changing is inevitable. Only the last year is enough proof of that already. But she gets what he means. Not ‘don’t change’ but ‘don’t lose who you are in the process’, a sentiment she wishes for him too.

James presses a kiss to Lena’s head and Lena returns one to his neck, the only place she can currently reach. He makes the world seem just a little less daunting for her. She grounds him. They’re not each other’s better halves but just two pieces of a large puzzle that happen to fit together well. The only thing with the potential to drive a wedge between them, though Lena is still very much unaware of the possibility as well as the truth, is Supergirl’s identity.


End file.
